If you grew up with a lot of chaos and volatility in your home, there is a good chance you felt disconnected. Individuals who grow up in environments characterized by chaos and volatility often experience a profound sense of disconnection, particularly in what should be a safe space—their home. When in a state of fight, flight, or freeze, individuals enter survival mode, focusing primarily on self-protection and survival. If parents are also in survival mode they will also be disconnected so their children will adopt these behaviours as a learned response; disconnection then becomes a normalized way of life.
Disconnection serves a protective purpose, allowing individuals to shield themselves from potential emotional harm. The turmoil created by caregivers significantly influences one’s ability to trust and let others in. If a child cannot rely on their parents to provide safety, calmness, and emotional connection, it becomes challenging to extend that trust to others. Consequently, while these individuals learn to navigate life independently, they also disconnect themselves from relationships, perpetuating a cycle of disconnection.
Over time, this pattern of disconnection solidifies into a default mode of behaviour, becoming the “normal.” As disconnection continues, the need to maintain distance from others intensifies, because genuine connection is unfamiliar, intimidating, even terrifying and creates emotions like vulnerability, self doubt and fear, emotions people usually avoid as much as possible. If you avoid these emotions, you must disconnect.
Disconnection in Relationships
This disconnection can create significant challenges in relationships. Individuals inherently desire to feel loved, but often only within the limits they find comfortable. For those who have adopted disconnection as a survival mechanism during childhood, this behaviour becomes a normative aspect of their relational dynamics throughout their lives. As a result, relationships mirror this disconnection, reinforcing the core belief not good enough, not important, not valued. Such individuals will find themselves drawn to partners who also need emotional distance in their relationships. This disconnect can manifest in various forms, including excessive working, frequent arguments, reliance on substances such as alcohol, avoidance of difficult emotional conversations, use of pornography, gambling, among other behaviours.
You and your Partner
I often hear, “I want to connect, but my partner pushes me away and keep me at a distance.” It is fairly obvious in this scenario the partner is scared of connection and needs to keep distance. What is not as obvious is the one trying to connect also unconsciously needs disconnection because they are in a relationship with someone doesn’t want to connect. It is easy to want connection but very challenging to actually have connection. By being with someone who disconnects, you are also comfortable in disconnection because you are choosing a relationship of disconnection. You can blame your partner for not connecting but you are also disconnecting. This also reinforces your core belief not good enough, not important, not valued. The level you are willing to connect is similar to the level your partner is also willing to connect but what this looks like can look different in each person.
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